Supporting Toddlers with Hitting

‍

Hitting is one of the most common concerns parents of toddlers face. While it can feel shocking for parents, the truth is hitting is a developmentally appropriate behavior. For toddlers, hitting is often a form of communication. With support from parents and caregivers, toddlers can learn how to express themselves in more appropriate ways. As is the case with every new skill, it takes time, patience, and consistency to develop.

‍

Understanding the Why

With all behaviors, it's imperative to understand the function of the behavior. Simply put, why is this behavior occurring in the first place? Emerging language skills make it difficult for toddlers to accurately express how they are feeling or what they want in that moment. Understandably, they may not have the language to express that they are feeling upset, tired, or want that toy that a peer is playing with.

‍

Toddlers are susceptible to becoming over- or understimulated when their basic needs are not being met. Caregivers often become experts at identifying when their little ones are hungry or tired. Helping children learn how to communicate their needs through verbal or nonverbal language can be a helpful step in preventing challenging behaviors before they occur.

‍

The world is new to toddlers, and they're still testing out all behaviors. Just as it would be normal for a tot to see what happens when they push their water cup over the high chair, they may be seeing what happens when they hit a peer or parent. Understanding how to respond to a hitting toddler is the first step to inadvertently increasing or learning how to decrease the behavior in the future.

‍

How to Respond to Hitting

Toddlers need immediate responses when behaviors occur. If a toddler hits a caregiver, it's essential to step in quickly and calmly. Get down to the child's level while gently cupping their hands in yours. With direct eye contact and a serious tone, tell the child, "No hitting". It is often an adult instinct to attempt a lengthy explanation or provide more rationale than is necessary for little ones. Keep it simple and try to underrespond to the behavior itself. After a moment, remind the child of the simple phrase, "No hitting, gentle hands". Then model for the child what gentle hands look like. For some children, providing hand-over-hand guidance may be helpful to model this behavior. As they practice using gentle hands with their caregiver, provide immediate praise, such as "Good, gentle hands!".

‍

If a toddler hits or grabs a peer, the caregivers would approach the situation similarly. Caregivers need to step in to ensure the safety of both children. Remember, the best advice is typically to say less after a tricky behavior occurs. More often than not, the child is acting on impulse and is not intentionally thinking about what they are doing before it happens. The caregivers should remind the child, "No hitting", model the use of gentle hands while verbally praising the child for using gentle hands. The caregiver can model checking in with the peer who was hit and demonstrate empathy, perhaps even providing an apology for the incident. The child who hit should not be forced to apologize.

‍

Caregivers should practice underreacting. If a child hits and they immediately respond with a big, over-the-top, expressive reaction of "Oh no!", the child may be more likely to repeat the behavior. Again, this is a normal behavior of typically developing children. Those big reactions can be fun for kids, and they often seek out such reactions from caregivers because they feel unique and exciting. When responding to hitting, it is best to be firm and direct, but avoid becoming overly expressive or wordy in your response to the toddler.

‍

Proactive Approaches

As is often the case with most behavioral approaches, proactive and preventive strategies are typically more effective than reacting after the fact. Toddlers who hit are usually attempting to communicate something. Prioritizing functional language skills, such as expressing when a toddler is hungry or tired, is crucial in reducing moments of overstimulation that may lead to increased negative behaviors. Give clear examples of how toddlers can practice using language to express their needs. For example, you can role-play with a toddler, taking a toy and saying, "If you want the toy, you say 'My turn, please.'"

‍

Praising prosocial and safe behaviors as they occur is one of the most effective tools caregivers can use to target challenging behaviors, such as hitting. Whenever a child is observed using gentle hands or feet, playing nicely with a peer, or having a safe body, give them specific praise! Tell the toddler, "Great sharing!" or "I love your safe body!". This helps them make a connection to the behavior in the moment, and it increases the positive attention for these behaviors. Role-play what it looks like to have gentle hands or a safe body with peers, stuffed animals, or other toys.

‍

In calm moments, teach emotional vocabulary at a developmentally appropriate level. Begin by teaching toddlers the primary emotions (i.e., happy, mad, sad, scared, disgusted) and model what these emotions might look like by acting out corresponding facial expressions. Keep in mind that this is a developing skill, and toddlers are not expected to understand their feelings or express them accurately.

‍

Seeking Extra Support

Occasional hitting is developmentally appropriate for toddlers. However, it may be helpful to seek extra support if the hitting becomes too frequent or intense, the child has delays in speech or social skills, the child is hurting themselves, or the behavior feels too overwhelming for the family. When toddlers hit, they're not giving caregivers a hard time; they're having a hard time. Seeking support for a toddler who hits would entail behavioral parental coaching, where parents are taught additional tools to best support their little ones at home or school. To learn more about toddler support offered at Foundations Therapy, contact us at hello@foundationsnyc.com.

‍

‍

^{Disclaimer: This information is for educational purposes only and is not meant nor intended to be health care advice or treatment. Should you need assistance with any mental health or psychological issue, including any parenting issues, you should contact a mental health professional.}